i love my work. i really do. no matter what my record say, i love my work. my shortcomings have nothing to do with my passion and commitment to this field. i has nothing to do with that and i don't think it will ever have anything to do with it.
i like where i am now and i desire to stay longer. but the painful truth is, a part of me - a tiny part of my disoriented self, wants to hit the road, leave this place and move on. again, its not the work or my passion for it. its some people inhabiting our little academic sphere. tell me, how can you work well when you don't really feel like you're part of a team? how can you work well when you feel like everybody's watching and hovering over you, waiting for you to fall flat on your face? how can you work when you don't feel like you're trusted?
im a person. human. i need to feel that im appreciated for my hardwork. i need to feel appreciated for my attempt to do an extraordinary job. even though the outcome is not perfect, my heart and my soul were in there. i tried. the saddest part of this is that, this place is supposed to be teeming with personal care and concern along with competence and commitment. it's supposed to be like that. and i believed that. now, i don't know. i guess i have to learn that not everybody feels the same way as i do. basic fact of life that i have lo learn over and over again.
honestly, i feel sad for some people here. they have achieved so much, proven so much, in their efficiency and competence but their hearts are cold. they're indifferent and at times insecure. i feel sad for them. i want to be just like then in their excellence but not what their hearts have become. they even malign those who are below them. i don't want to be like that. i feel sad for them and at the same time, i fear them. just thinking of them makes my limbs tremble.
i learned before that fear is the lowest form of respect that a person in authority could ever get. true enough, i don't respect them enough. but i fear them, down to my bones. how can you respect somebody who does not respect you? how can somebody dare to demand respect when they can't even give that?
you cannot give what you do not have.
don't ask for what you cannot yourself give.
should i stay or should i go? id like to stay if they want me to stay. but if they don't, i won't beg either. it's gonna hurt but i believe that you only lose something good in you life because you're meant for something better.
God help me.
